Have you ever wanted to know what annoys a carnivorous plant? What its ideal holiday destination might be? Or what 3 things it would want if stuck on a desert island? Well this is a must read...
20 QUESTIONS with…Audrey Two from LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS!
1) Describe your role/character in 3 words
Hungry, Glamorous, Diva.
2) What is your dream show to work on?
“The Origin of Plants”, a 6-part series on BBC, co-presenting with Sir David Attenborough. Where we go round the world looking at all the beautiful different plants there are on earth, in each country we have a different guide (which I eat at the end of each episode), and at the end of the 6th episode, when Sir David is summarizing the whole series, I sneak up behind him and gobble him up! That was the draw for me; I made sure it was in my contract ;) I am sure he is one TASTY man!!!
3) What are the best & worst things about your job?
Well, the worst is without doubt people not understanding my condition. I suffer from BED (no, not those things you humans lie on at night, I mean BED, Binge Eating Disorder), which is actually classified as a Medical Condition. I’ve tried fighting it… but the longest I managed to go without eating Dentists (my favourite!) was 2 days. And let me tell you, I was not in my Happy Place. Got all cranky!
The best, I have to say, is getting presents when I walk out the theatre after each performance, at Stage
Door. People are so kind and considerate. I love getting big earrings dipped in blood, necklaces made
out of real bones dipped in blood, skull tea-mugs dipped in blood… hell, just the other day somebody, so sweet, offered me their own leg as I was signing autographs… but believe it or not, when I’m not on stage, I am kind off shy, so I declined (besides, it wasn’t dipped in blood)… hmmm, but I must say, I do like the look of that calf of yours! Would you mind if I took just a little bite?
4) If you could swap jobs with anyone for the day, who would you swap with?
Professor Brian Cox. I would show him (and all of yous) how to really look at them stars! He’s all sweet and considerate… a bit like my Seymour ya know, but if I was presenting his programme I’d tell it like it is: Baby, you got it all wrong! The Universe is full of Food, and all you have to do is order it! Just like a Take-Away. Stars are made of sugar, Plantnets of flesh, and Cosmic Debris is seasoning! Get dialling!!! … and erm… you sure about that calf of yours? I don’t think it looks skinny at all!
5) If you could rule the world for one day, what 3 things would you do?
I would make every Sunday a WFTPD - World Feed The Plants Day (with specific menus for all the different countries, and sensibilities: those who don’t eat meat, poor things they don’t know what they are missing, would have Passion Fruit and Frog’s Legs for lunch… what, Frog? No, I’m pretty sure Frog is a vegetable… I’ll ask my Personal Assistant later. Let’s carry on, but I’m pretty sure, because it tastes really bad, I mean, it’s ok… I prefer bigger portions… MUCH BIGGER! … you’re bigger! … Sorry I digress… I haven’t eaten in a while.)
I would also make “Dentist” the National dish of every country! I mean, it’s just soooooo tasty I think everyone should have it EVERYDAY, except Sundays obviously, where people could choose what to feed the Plants for WFTPD. Can you imagine all the different recipes people would come up with for “Dentist”? How delightful!!! GROAAAANNNN… sorry, it’s my stomach, all this talk about food… not good for my condition you know? … no, you’re ok.
Thirdly and lastly, I would replace Xmas Trees with Xmas Humans. So much more appealing don’t you think? And they are completely biodegradable: by the last day of Xmas, as a special present for all the little Plants in the world, if they have been good, they get to eat it!!!! IF they haven’t been good (and so many aren’t!), then I GET TO EAT IT hahahahaha! It would be a much tastier holiday!
6) Where is your ideal holiday destination?
Home really. 13.6 billion billion billion light years away from plantnet Earth. Haven’t been back since I was just a little seed mind, so I don’t really remember much, but I have constant dreams of blood candy and eye sweets… I miss it, I do… ooh... sorry, didn’t mean to start crying… ooh, my mascara! Do you have a handkerchief? So sorry, when I’m hungry I get all emotional.
7) You’re on a desert island, what 3 things will you take with you?
My purse, obviously! I think you call it an Abdomen? You Humans are so silly! I keep everything in there: my make-up, my hair curlers, my snacks (hands, feet, eyes, you know, just little things to get me going through the day) and my Epi-Pen (I’m allergic to rudeness).
A Phoenix bird. Not so much because they are beautiful (which they kinda are I guess, if you’re into birds), but more because I have a panic of not having enough food to eat (the other day I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t find my late night snack… must’ve eaten it… I sleep-eat at night, so I destroyed the whole hotel room. The management were not impressed!). Because of that, when in doubt, get food that comes back to life!
I would have to say the whole cast of Little Shop of Horrors. They are all so nice. And, I must add, so TASTY! P.S. - I would take you too if you allow me one small nibble… just a little bite… juicy little calf… please? pretty please?
8) Who would you love to eat?
(I would love to eat you… I mean, sorry, erm, what I meant to say, it’s my condition, it affects me so much you wouldn’t believe it.)
I would love to… well, since you’re asking, I would love to taste the whole mankind! Why deny people the opportunity and the privilege to see the real me… from the INSIDE!!!
9) If you were an animal for the day, what would you be?
That’s a hard one… I have to say I don’t really care for animals much. They move to much and are too fast for me sometimes… What? Oh, not the kind of animals I like to eat? I see, sorry, again, when I’m hungry I tend to digress.
I would then have to say I would like to be a Bee. They are Plant’s best friends. They come over, they chat a while, (How’s your day beeeeeeen? See what I did there? … what do you mean: “Do Behave?”... I’m being very cordial with you; I haven’t even tried to bite you… Oh, I see, Bee-Have!... again, so sorry, it’s my condition, is there a Dentist in the house I can nibble on?), ok, so then we deposit some pollen, they pollinate our friends and neighbours… happy times!
10) What’s your favourite food (besides humans)?
I am very sorry, I don’t like to talk about those times. I’m pretty sure my Manager discussed it prior to me getting here. I don’t want to be unkind, it’s just that when I was poor and auditioning for shows, commercials and Flower Pageants, life wasn’t as easy as it is now, you know, when you get famous things tend to change, people bring you Humans to eat and you don’t even look back at those awful days when Rat and sometimes even Ants (no, not Aunts, although do you have any living nearby? Do they have husbands too? The more the merrier!) where the only thing on the menu.
11) What’s your guilty pleasure?
Anything covered in blood! I mean, you can even feed me Table, or Curtain… if it’s doused in blood, baby it’s going in!
12) Which 3 people would you most like to invite to a dinner party?
Shaquille O’Neil, I mean, where would I even start? Would make a real good starter! Henri VIII of England, hmm, sweet plumpness! Perfect for a Main Course!
Gandhi, I would make sure I would feed him properly, fatten him up a bit you know, and then… have
him for desert!
13) If you could time-travel, what era would you go to?
I would go to the future (where, hopefully, I’ll be having my dinner… how much longer is this going to take?… I feel myself getting cranky… and that’s not a good sign, if you know what I mean!) so I can live in the “Plantilly Ever After” and observe the world dominated by Yours Truly!
14) What’s your favourite musician/act?
The Deadly Dandelions. They’re a band from my Plantnet. They started this whole Crowd Slurping craze you see in concerts, ya know?... what? Crowd Surfing? No, I’m pretty sure it’s Crowd Slurping, what’s the point in performing in front of a crowd if you can’t eat them by the end? You Humans, seriously!
15) If you could only read one book for the rest of time, what would it be?
Anything by Delia Smith! Scrumptious! Although I like to replace the ingredients (less Kale, more Hair; not Mussels, Muscles; and instead of Wine, Intestine!) But I’m not fussy, I find myself sometimes laughing and crying at Menus from all sorts of places… it’s the little things, I get so engrossed!
16) What annoys you?
Stomach cramps. You’re sure there’s no Dentist in the vicinity? Not even a Dentist’s Assistant? Come on! You gotta give me something! Where’s my Manager?
17) What’s your greatest achievement?
Getting to question 17 and you’re still here. Believe it baby!
18) When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Bigger. And I ain’t done yet! Come here, where you going? Stop moving so fast! Don’t you know I have to be at the Theatre in half an hour? Come here little journalist! I’ve had Journalist once… tasty! Now come to Mama!
19) Describe yourself in 3 words?
Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!
20) How will the audience feel after watching you in LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS?
You crazy? They won’t feel a thing by the end! Once they’re inside me I’m the one doing all the feeling! And I WILL FEEL SOOOOOOO GOOOOOD and SATISFIED!!!!!!!
Now, want to see what’s inside my purse? You’ll like it, fo sho ;) GULP!